What I Wish I Knew in High School 4: What I learned from My Shattered iPhone

Walking in Philly with my brother was definitely an adventure. This past week, my older brother and I went to the Hard Rock Cafe to see Dustin Lynch for a free concert. Since neither of us are "city folk", we had no idea where we were going. We parked a mile away from the restaurant to avoid paying $30.00 for the three hours we would be there. I went to grab my phone out my pocket to mark down what street we were on; and thus-the worst thing happened. My poor little phone flew out of my hand and landed on the pavement-face down. My pulse quickened as I lifted my phone up, and I immediately closed my eyes in despair. The little chip on the side of my phone had spread wildly out of control. It was shattered. It was spider-webbed. It was done.

 I was actually surprised that it took me this long to break my phone. I have the worst luck with all technology, so after dropping it multiple times, I guess it finally gave up on me. Today, while scrolling through an article, my thumb felt wet. I looked down and almost fainted...there was blood-everywhere. I suppose chunks of the glass cut up my thumb, and I was just noticing it. *Side note-I can't deal with blood. It's gross, which is why God intended for it to stay in our bodies.* After cleaning myself and my phone up, I carefully dragged my fingers across the pattern of the cracks. I was amazed at how many different directions these cracks were going-all from one blow to the ground. 
It made me think of high school.
It made me think of a lie that was planted in my mind. 
It made me think of how that one lie turned into years of pain. 

                                                                      ***

It only took one hit to the ground to destroy my phone. It only took one chip on the side of my phone to spider-web out of control. It only took one lie from satan to destroy my heart. I can't remember when the thought first popped into my head, but I can certainly remember the years of damage it had done. Looking back, I know now that I am not the only one who felt that way. I know that I am not the only one who suffered because of one sentence. 

                                                    "You are not good enough."

This lie started out as just one sentence-like my phone's damage started out as just one chip. That lie followed me like a sad dog. It infected me in so many different areas in my life. It infected my relationship with my family. It infected my friendships. It infected my self-esteem. It spread like wildfire throughout my heart; eventually finding its way to my brain. It wasn't all of the negative thoughts that were the problem. Of course, there were factors that played into it as I grew up. Losing close friends, fights with my siblings, deception from boys-you name it. The thoughts and events truly made myself believe that I was not good enough for anyone. Anytime my parents would pay attention to another sibling, I believed that I wasn't loved in the same way. When my friends would ditch me, I believed that I wasn't a good enough friend. When a boy asked me why I ever thought he could like someone like me, I believed that I wasn't beautiful...and that no one could ever truly love me. These dark lies and twisted thoughts ruined me. They broke my heart. They put me in a dark place for years. It wasn't until I exposed myself to the light that I was healed. It wasn't until I started replacing those lies with Biblical truths that I found my self-confidence. It wasn't until I heard Jesus call me His beautiful daughter that I believed I was good enough. It wasn't until I felt His unfailing, unchanging, unconditional, everlasting LOVE that my life changed. I understood it. 

If satan could place one lie in my life that damaged everything, Christ could plant many, many truths in my life that could heal everything. 

"Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love." Psalm 31:16 NIV

"How priceless is your unfailing love, O God! People take refuge in the shadow of your wings." Psalm 36:7 NIV

"The Lord appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you." Jeremiah 31:3 ESV 

"From Zion, perfect in beauty, God shines forth." Psalm 50:2 NIV

                                                         ***

It only took a few truths to lead me on the path to healing. I would say that everyone that seeks the truth of the Lord is on a healing process. We're all broken in some way, but though Christ-our brokenness is made into beauty! (Psalm 31:18, Psalm 147:3) The world is infected with satan, and therefore brings lies to us. Though it may be difficult, it's not impossible to seek beauty in all of our brokenness. Ainsley Britain knew that the girls of our country needed to hear this exact message. 

Unveil: verb: to disclose or reveal, to reveal one's true self

Ainsley Britain  started the Unveiled Campaign in 2014. She had a vision for young women across our nation. She believed that women should unveil the truth about themselves in order to fulfill their dreams and destiny. She believed that young women across the world should walk in truth and beauty within themselves. The initiative is to empower young women to spread awareness unveiling true 

 beauty and defeating the lies that we're faced with everyday. The hope behind the cause is to encourage others to not hide behind themselves, instead, to embrace who they are and shine to others. 

The Unveiled Campaign also focuses on sexual abuse. Ainsley Britain also feels very passionate about raising awareness for sexual abuse in this country. The campaign encourages women to get help and seek counseling in times of trouble. On the campaign's website, there are links to places to get help for sexual abuse, child abuse, suicide, and eating disorders. 

Unveiled is based out of Nashville, TN, but is quickly spreading around America. The campaign makes videos on advice, information and news that focuses on topics related to the cause. 

Our society needs Jesus, desperately. I know for a fact that I am not the only one who has believed these lies. I believe that Christ instilled this movement in Ainsley's heart to CHANGE these lies. I believe that through this campaign, girls will get a better understanding of who they are, and whose they are. 

I pray that Ainsley and her team at Unveiled will help destroy the LIES that we are being told and replace them with the TRUTH that is Jesus Christ and His unfailing love for us. I've been challenged by this campaign, and I believe you will be too. How will you unveil yourself?

Please join me in supporting and spreading awareness of this cause at 

www.unveiledcampaign.com 

In His forever & always,

What I Wish I Knew In High School 3: It's All Mine

  I'm not typically a selfish person. I would consider myself a fairly generous person, but there's always room for improvement. Sometimes it's okay to be selfish! Yes, you did hear that correctly! I'm going to talk about one specific thing that I believe is meant to be personally possessed.

  Your Bible. 

  When I was in high school, I didn't really take advantage of my Bible. I think that I might have been afraid to make it my own. I was scared to be selfish with it. It was later in high school when I got my own "adult" study Bible . I had old Bibles that were marked up with notes about the Jonas Brothers and my best friends when I was 13. I decided that once I was serious about my faith, I needed a serious Bible. I really like the one that I chose because it's simple, and it's a study Bible, which means while I'm reading, I can read cool facts and meanings to different passages. Trust me when I say that I am NO Bible scholar, so having a study Bible helps me understand things that otherwise I wouldn't know. Like I've mentioned previously in my posts, I'm huge on the idea of not only focusing on loving God through your life, but also feeling, accepting, and embracing the love from God. I truly believe that having a Bible and digging into it helps nourish and strengthen that love. If you work at your relationship with The Lord, your Bible will be your lifeline; it will be one of the most important things to you. Merriam-Webster says that the definition of "Bible" is:

Bible-noun/ the book of sacred writings used in the Christian religion

Sacred-adjective/ worthy of religious worship : very holy

  Your Bible is your own VERY HOLY and SACRED writings and words from The Lord! Why not take advantage of it? For me, my Bible is my selfish place, because I'm the one that is reading and marking it up. I learned by watching my mom in church that it's okay to take notes and highlight in your Bible-it's whatever works for YOU! Here are some tips that I wish I had in high school when studying my Bible: 

•  Colors are your friend: Embrace your inner pre-schooler! Who doesn't love to color? For me, highlighting different words and verses lightens it up, and also allows me to pay attention a little better. Here is a tool that I use:  

                Green = commands (any command or rule that is stated, such as the 10 Commandments)

                Blue = promises (any promises or covenant from The Lord or Christ, such as in John 3:16         where we are promised eternal life through Him if we believe God gave His only Son to die for our sins)

                Yellow = growth/encouragement (this is my most used color in my Bible. This is anything that is said that will help you to grow spiritually or encourage you in your walk)

                Purple = history (this is pretty explanatory. This is a very common color used in the Old Testament, because it explains a lot of the foundations of early Judaism and the precursor to Christianity)

•  Always have a pen! I aways write notes and things that pop into my head while I'm reading. I will also copy some of the notes directly right next to the verse. *Side note-my church has a bulletin every week that has notes you can fill out during the service. It always makes me think I'm in school when I fill things in the blanks ( i.e. "Jesus loves _____" --> "Jesus loves      me   ") so I will just write things that my pastor says that stick out to me directly in my Bible.
•  Pictures: This helps me to personalize my Bible-like I said-I'm selfish with it! It's mine so I like to include pictures of memories of things that correspond to a passage or a verse in The Word. (i.e. there is a picture of the girls that I work with at church in a passage we worked through during one summer)
• Page Markers: this is helpful tip that is extremely simple-find some cute page markers and stick them on pages whenever a passage or verse sticks out to you! I have a bunch on the side of my Bible and the top. It helps when I need to jump to some instant encouragement without looking through all over the New Testament for it! 
• Index Cards: Something that helped me concentrate on studying God's Word was having a deck of index cards next to me. Whenever a verse stuck out to me, I would write it on a card and I have a pile of them clipped to the front of my Bible. It's also cool to see the verses I really like during the time I was studying it. 

 I hope that these tips have helped you! There are so many other things that go into studying The Bible, but these are just some easy tips I've found during my time here on Earth. What are your tips for studying it? 

^ This is my page from 1 Corinthians 1 and 2. I also like to star things in different colors! The books of Corinthians are definitely some of my favorite books in the Bible.

^ This is the front of my Bible. You can see all of my pens and highlighters. I also usually carry some crayons with me so I can use other colors. On the right, you can see my index cards. The one on top is Romans 6:14! 

^ This is my page form Isaiah 25. This picture is of me and my friend Kyria when we were 13. Kyria passed away in 2011. What really stuck out to me was "…He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces.." When she passed away, it was as if all I could do was cry, so I put her picture next to the verses that helped me during that time. 

"All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work." 

-2 Timothy 3:16-17 ESV 

In Him forever & always,

Looking God Straight In The Eye

  As I sat in Starbucks sipping on my chai tea; I realized something. I was running. I was sprinting. I was rushing in the wrong direction. I was avoiding pain. I was indulging in over-priced tea instead of dealing with my emotions.

                                                                    *****

  This happened one year ago. I can't remember if it was to the day, but I can absolutely remember it was this exact weekend. I needed to get out of my room, and I had nowhere else to go to. I didn't want to be around my family, because that would only make it worse. Seeing my sibling's faces would remind me of memories that I didn't want to remember. Looking at my mom's smile would force me to remember her smile. Being around my family would only bring me back to when we were all together, and everything was okay.
                                                                 
                                                                   *****

  Two years ago, I lost my grandmother. I can say that it was in my top 5 life tragedies that really shook me up. I experienced all stages of grief one possibly could in 3 days. I was only 18 years old at the time, and I was headed to France two days after it happened. I forced myself to forget exact details of that weekend, but I still remember the obvious. My sister had come over to my house after she was finished work, and explained to me what was happening. My grandmother had been battling melanoma (skin cancer), and was sent to a hospice. My grandparent's lived 2 hours away, so that's where my mom spent a lot of her summer. I packed my bags (or at least what I had left over after packing for France) and my sister and I drove up. The hospice was nice. Everywhere was carpeted, and they had a nice reflection garden. I think there was two floors, but I only remember being on one. I can recall every step I took until I got into that room. I saw my grandmother laying in her bed, with my mom, uncle and aunt around her. My first immediate thought was that I knew she was already in the presence of our Heavenly Father. The body laying on that bed was surely just an earthly body; and her soul was in Heaven. This body showed signs of deep sickness, exhaustion, and stillness. I couldn't be in that room for a long time.

                                                                *****

   I hated that hospice. It was the most depressing thing I've ever experienced. I emphasize depression because it was much darker than any sadness I've ever known. It's a crazy feeling knowing that everyone in that building was literally waiting for a loved one to die. In this case-it was my family. My sister and I slept on the floor of that room and spent time with other family members sharing memories and thoughts. I tried so hard to keep everything together. I felt strain on my eyes to stop the tears from coming. I was also in doubt that this was happening so suddenly, and that there was a good chance I would never see my grandmother anymore. It was July 6th, 2012 that she officially went home. I know she's with our Father and I bet she's loving it. I think that she looks down on our family. I think she laughs when we're crazy. I think she shakes her head when we fight. I think she smiles when she sees us. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about her. I remember her lessons, her words of wisdom, and her faith. I remember her Bibles that she would give away, and I remember her hugs. I remember her perfume and her red lipstick. I also remember the kisses she would give me on my head and then comment that my hair was "too long". Now more than ever, I love her so much. Though I don't discount my feelings, I've come to peace with things over these years. It wasn't always like that.

                                                              *****

  When I was in Starbucks, I was running far away from my emotions. This doesn't come to any kind of surprise to me, because I'm notorious for that. I'd rather not deal with the pain, I would prefer to just ignore it. In this case, I was far away from dealing with what had happened, and I was far from God. I was furious at God for everything about my grandmother's passing. I was furious for it happening in the first place. I was furious that she passed on Saturday, and I was leaving for France that Monday. I was furious that I had the least amount of time with her. I was furious that she would never see me on my wedding day. I was furious that I had a great-grandmother (Nanny) for 9 years of my life, and none of the kids in my family would ever have one. God and I had very heated discussions for a long time. Our conversations would usually start out on a nice foot, and end on a bad one. I would cry, I would yell, and I would question Him. I was looking at God straight in the eye. 

                                                            *****

  I rode this emotional roller coaster for about six months. No one really knew it, but the smallest things would set me off. I had to flip over pictures of her in my room, and I couldn't even think about the whole situation without getting extremely upset. Some people say that "time heals all wounds". I do believe that, but there is something that I've adapted over the years that I prefer:

                                               God heals all wounds. 

  I've seen it in my own life. I'm no longer running away. I'm running straight in the direction of those tough emotions. I'm sprinting towards them; because I know that Christ is right beside me. He doesn't want me to endure this by myself. He wants to be with me through this. He wants to be with YOU!

  There are days where it's hard. Today is one of those days. I tear up at the fact that she never met her great-grandchildren. I tear up when I see pictures on "Pinterest" of 3 generations of wedding rings. I tear up when I look to the sky and feel God's comfort around me. But I've learned that it's okay to tear up. I know that God will catch them.

                                                         *****

 So that was last year. Where am I now? I still mourn the loss of her, and I still get upset. I know that ONLY because of Christ, I am comforted. I know that it was in His time, and that He is constantly with me. I never understood the good that could come out of that situation. I'm not sure if there is any, but I know that it's inspired me. Some may call me crazy, but because of this situation my career goal is to become a licensed Clinical Social Worker and work with families in situations like this. I want to be able to provide grief counseling to people who struggle with death, just like I did. I guess God knew what He was doing when He called her home.

  There's one last point I want to make: it's okay to be angry with God. Ironically, that was a time where I felt closest to Him. I was angry at Him, and I let Him know it. I believe 100% that God would rather us yell and tell Him that we're frustrated rather than running away from Him. He embraces us for everything that we are-including furious. He loves when we look at Him straight in the eye.



"If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord."
-Romans 14:8 NIV

In loving memory of my grandmu, Dorothy 

In His forever & always,