*****
This happened one year ago. I can't remember if it was to the day, but I can absolutely remember it was this exact weekend. I needed to get out of my room, and I had nowhere else to go to. I didn't want to be around my family, because that would only make it worse. Seeing my sibling's faces would remind me of memories that I didn't want to remember. Looking at my mom's smile would force me to remember her smile. Being around my family would only bring me back to when we were all together, and everything was okay.
*****
Two years ago, I lost my grandmother. I can say that it was in my top 5 life tragedies that really shook me up. I experienced all stages of grief one possibly could in 3 days. I was only 18 years old at the time, and I was headed to France two days after it happened. I forced myself to forget exact details of that weekend, but I still remember the obvious. My sister had come over to my house after she was finished work, and explained to me what was happening. My grandmother had been battling melanoma (skin cancer), and was sent to a hospice. My grandparent's lived 2 hours away, so that's where my mom spent a lot of her summer. I packed my bags (or at least what I had left over after packing for France) and my sister and I drove up. The hospice was nice. Everywhere was carpeted, and they had a nice reflection garden. I think there was two floors, but I only remember being on one. I can recall every step I took until I got into that room. I saw my grandmother laying in her bed, with my mom, uncle and aunt around her. My first immediate thought was that I knew she was already in the presence of our Heavenly Father. The body laying on that bed was surely just an earthly body; and her soul was in Heaven. This body showed signs of deep sickness, exhaustion, and stillness. I couldn't be in that room for a long time.
*****
I hated that hospice. It was the most depressing thing I've ever experienced. I emphasize depression because it was much darker than any sadness I've ever known. It's a crazy feeling knowing that everyone in that building was literally waiting for a loved one to die. In this case-it was my family. My sister and I slept on the floor of that room and spent time with other family members sharing memories and thoughts. I tried so hard to keep everything together. I felt strain on my eyes to stop the tears from coming. I was also in doubt that this was happening so suddenly, and that there was a good chance I would never see my grandmother anymore. It was July 6th, 2012 that she officially went home. I know she's with our Father and I bet she's loving it. I think that she looks down on our family. I think she laughs when we're crazy. I think she shakes her head when we fight. I think she smiles when she sees us. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about her. I remember her lessons, her words of wisdom, and her faith. I remember her Bibles that she would give away, and I remember her hugs. I remember her perfume and her red lipstick. I also remember the kisses she would give me on my head and then comment that my hair was "too long". Now more than ever, I love her so much. Though I don't discount my feelings, I've come to peace with things over these years. It wasn't always like that.
*****
When I was in Starbucks, I was running far away from my emotions. This doesn't come to any kind of surprise to me, because I'm notorious for that. I'd rather not deal with the pain, I would prefer to just ignore it. In this case, I was far away from dealing with what had happened, and I was far from God. I was furious at God for everything about my grandmother's passing. I was furious for it happening in the first place. I was furious that she passed on Saturday, and I was leaving for France that Monday. I was furious that I had the least amount of time with her. I was furious that she would never see me on my wedding day. I was furious that I had a great-grandmother (Nanny) for 9 years of my life, and none of the kids in my family would ever have one. God and I had very heated discussions for a long time. Our conversations would usually start out on a nice foot, and end on a bad one. I would cry, I would yell, and I would question Him. I was looking at God straight in the eye.
*****
I rode this emotional roller coaster for about six months. No one really knew it, but the smallest things would set me off. I had to flip over pictures of her in my room, and I couldn't even think about the whole situation without getting extremely upset. Some people say that "time heals all wounds". I do believe that, but there is something that I've adapted over the years that I prefer:
God heals all wounds.
I've seen it in my own life. I'm no longer running away. I'm running straight in the direction of those tough emotions. I'm sprinting towards them; because I know that Christ is right beside me. He doesn't want me to endure this by myself. He wants to be with me through this. He wants to be with YOU!
There are days where it's hard. Today is one of those days. I tear up at the fact that she never met her great-grandchildren. I tear up when I see pictures on "Pinterest" of 3 generations of wedding rings. I tear up when I look to the sky and feel God's comfort around me. But I've learned that it's okay to tear up. I know that God will catch them.
*****
So that was last year. Where am I now? I still mourn the loss of her, and I still get upset. I know that ONLY because of Christ, I am comforted. I know that it was in His time, and that He is constantly with me. I never understood the good that could come out of that situation. I'm not sure if there is any, but I know that it's inspired me. Some may call me crazy, but because of this situation my career goal is to become a licensed Clinical Social Worker and work with families in situations like this. I want to be able to provide grief counseling to people who struggle with death, just like I did. I guess God knew what He was doing when He called her home.
There's one last point I want to make: it's okay to be angry with God. Ironically, that was a time where I felt closest to Him. I was angry at Him, and I let Him know it. I believe 100% that God would rather us yell and tell Him that we're frustrated rather than running away from Him. He embraces us for everything that we are-including furious. He loves when we look at Him straight in the eye.
"If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord."
-Romans 14:8 NIV
In loving memory of my grandmu, Dorothy
In His forever & always,
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